Guest Post: Musings

(This is our first post from a guest author who wishes to be identified as A. Do enjoy, your feed-backs would be greatly appreciated)

Battling a battle alone isn’t the easiest thing there is to do. Trying your possible best to let no one know about it so that nobody has to worry — especially with our recent loss. But sometimes we need to just talk I guess; it doesn’t solve anything but it provides some kind of comfort, a sense of relief.
In addition, always thinking of tomorrow and never living in today has been an issue. Trying to impress the world but not looking for self-satisfaction. Really looking forward to pursuing a degree in the arts… But you know, I would be regarded as an irresponsible somebody.
And then sometimes, I think turning off my emotions is the best thing; pretending I don’t give damn about anybody; but people down that lane know its all a lie. Everybody is looking for -– attention isn’t the right word but I’d use it anyway– looking for someone to pour their hearts to.
Then you begin to bother about the fact that very little results come out from the very much effort you put into something. That hurts a lot. You feel disappointed, you know you can do much better, matter of fact you were so sure that much better would be achieved… But as fate would have it, you end up a disappointment to yourself. People try to console you by saying “it’s not that bad” but you know your standard, you know your worth. And then, you ask yourself that question that all parents ask while growing up, “but does that person have two heads?”
In your subconscious you’re comparing yourself to other people, knowing fully well that the bible refers to such people as fools. Then…. You work harder, then an obstacle comes in the way again. Ill health, the loss of a loved one, depression. But you know you’re not going to give these excuses when you’re looking for a job.
But who said you’re going to look for a job? Is it because that is what society expects? Or because you actually want to do it. And then have a masters degree in whatever. When you know that’s not what you want to do.
Matter of fact, you don’t know what you want to do. You’re confused, you’re at crossed roads. You feel you are good at something but you think that it’s not accepted. Then you see someone excelling in that thing you want to do; then you are gingered again. But just when you are about to take that bold step… You remember that it’s still not acceptable. Then you try to console yourself by making believe that the person is better than you, and even of you went into that line, you wouldn’t succeed. Who said so?
But you’re still lonely on the inside. For a moment, you try to forget about the tomorrow and live in the now. Then that fight you’ve been fighting comes up again; you are trying so hard but you are slowly losing. Then you think of that bright future…. Sometimes it cheers you up, sometimes it doesn’t.
Then you wonder why you have to go through so much. A while passes, and then you thank God because you just find out there’s someone whose life is worse than yours. Yes. That doesn’t make your life any better, but that feeling from within, that lets you know that millions are depending on you. That’s even far fetched. When you picture the smile on your momma’s face… That’s a lot.
But you still don’t know what to do though. And now, material things don’t mean a thing to you anymore. You could do without them, they don’t make you a bit happier. At this point you’re willing to trade your money for happiness. Not possible I guess. Happiness isn’t sold anywhere.
Gradually, you find yourself motivating people, helping that helpless kid who, if not for you, wouldn’t have eaten, giving tips to that cleaner, being a source of hope to your mother… Most importantly forgetting about the problems you MIGHT face tomorrow. Then there’s this warmth from within, this joy. You can’t explain it… But there’s just so much joy. And enough is never too much of it.
Then you finally realize its the little things that do count. Your helping made you realize that no matter what you MIGHT be, there’s a lot of people who depend on you. It makes you feel important. Your self worth is unimaginable. You’re finally doing you. The joy on the inside is totally unexplainable, but somehow, it’s overshadowed the pains, the darkness. It makes you want to fight. But wait….. You’re already a fighter. And you’ve won so many battles like the depression, there’s finally a smile again. Joy! That was the magic.
But life isn’t a fairy tale, no happily ever afters. That one thing you’ve been fighting and can’t tell nobody is still there. You know it isn’t a battle that joy can win – not to be pessimistic, just factual.  It’s probably just part of those things you might have to live with until it takes your life away.


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