ALONE.

Have you ever been in a room full of people, everyone is talking about something or laughing, they all seem to be having fun and enjoying each other’s company and then suddenly you realize something. That you are all alone.
Oh sure the room is full of people, you can’t be alone. But then how do you describe the emptiness you’re feeling. The sudden disconnect, the feeling that sets in and you begin to question whether you are one of them, whether you truly belong here. At that very moment you are undeniably alone.
You begin to ask yourself “what am I doing here?”. You begin to question how you even got here in the first place. You begin to look for an exit, an excuse because suddenly the room feels small. You try and listen to the conversation but then you realize you were never included.
Someone suddenly spots your face. Whether it’s the universe’s cruel way of taunting you or just some cruel twist of fate you suddenly become the subject of the conversation. But the universe isn’t done yet. You become the joke of the conversation. Someone says something rather funny about you and the crowd is pleased. They want more and the comedian, as crowd-pleasing as a gladiator, goes for the kill.
The crowd is pleased, the comedian has gained another set of adoring fans. But what they don’t know is how shitty you feel about yourself at the moment. You’ve probably had a bad day, week or maybe even a bad life. And that was really the last straw.
You head up to another room, out of anger or maybe even some pain you’re dealing with. You pass a kitchen and some knife winks at you conveniently, from its place on the kitchen table and you grab it without even thinking.
You close the room door behind you. You have decided to end it. There really isn’t a point anymore. Or is there? At this point you’d never really know. You decide to show them a lesson and you slice your wrist, silently hoping that someone out there noticed you and cared. Maybe they’d feel bad about what they did or how they treated you and made fun of you. But no one did and you lie there in a pool of your own blood and you bleed out and fade away.
Alas. You’re inside my head. Or I’m inside yours.
The question is “am I really alone?” Or is there someone out there who feels just as alone as I do?

Guest Posts.

So i know I’ve been AWOL (Away without official leave) and people keep asking me hows your blog and i just go “it’s fine” but it has been absent a real post for a while and i apologize. i could say its work but its really just me being lazy. So starting today I’m starting a series of guest postings, meaning that other people who have something they want to share can share it on my blog. So our very first guest post is from A. (For Anonymous, they want to keep their identity a secret). So sit back and enjoy.

TTG Journal

The vice-chancellor was preaching this evening. I drowned out his voice. It was bad enough that i was tired from sitting down and listening to people preach about life values, but the program had been going on for 6 days in a row and it wasn’t stopping now, I still had eight more days of this to go.
The chapel (our new venue) was hot. I was hot too, the tie that was a compulsory fixture around my neck wasn’t helping either. I had been in the same blue and red checkered shirt all day, going back to the hall didn’t make any sense in light of the tight schedule. (7-12, 2-4, and 7-10).
The guy beside me wasn’t helping at all. He was oozing and oozing bad. He probably had to rush out in the morning and didn’t have time for deodorant and he had worn a suit (he probably defended today)
Some people thought it was coming from someone’s shoe but I knew better. I was tired from hearing a certain person’s voice, and the fact that I was getting barely any sleep. It was bad enough that they moved us from the lecture theater with its cold air conditioning that pulled you to sleep, with its bizarre arrangement that prevented all the gingered officers from moving as free as they wanted, meaning that we were free to play with our tabs, and browse as much as we wanted because the Internet was fast enough. Sleeping was encouraged because well the probability of you getting caught was low enough.
The light went off for a brief second and it was back on. The vc kept on talking. And the lights came back on with the speakers giving off a buzzing sound. The technical crew members had apparently slept off on their office high above in the gallery.
Apart from not getting sleep I wasn’t even eating well. My mother would probably wail if she knew my diet. I was living on noreos and a prayer. Most of the halls were closed except from Joseph and Daniel and the butteries were locked down for the better part of the period. The cafeteria served a limited variety of food. Most of the staff that worked there had been sent off. No pepper rice, or none of those foods that were sold outside cafe. 3 noreos cost 50 Naira, apparently niggas were taking advantage of the lack of food to nourish their pockets. A bootle of hot Pepsi or mirinda (personally hot mirinda was the better option) cost 150. I looked in my wallet today and thought if things went on like this I’d probably be skinner than I started with. (And trust me I was skinny enough)
Bankole and bimbo were behind me talking about love and stuff and bankole was calling her all the pet names he knew. 😥 rubbing it in a niggas face. I’m happy for them too. They look good together.
The only light in the tunnel was the iPad mini oluso had bought me. (Which someone tried to steal, but that is a story for another day, I’m still lamenting about TTG)
And so I’m sitting here, hot, sweaty, tired, typing on my iPad (which wasn’t all bad, and I’m going back to my games after I’m done typing this. 🙂 and they just took the light again 🙂 ) waiting for the program to end before someone to come and say something that would sound smart in his head and stupid after it leaves it.

TTG Journal: 06/22/13

I initially had plans to go home for the weekend, but apparently “the gods” had other plans in motion. Innocent guy thought TTG was starting Monday but then Thursday evening after exams had been done with and forgotten, they announced TTG for final year students while everyone else was going for departure service. I didn’t think too much about it till they announced that it would continue Saturday morning at 7 am.
All my plans had been scattered. I’d initially wanted to go home and drop my laptop because I felt that security would be lax during the period where only final year students would be in school alone, with all the other levels going home for their Long holiday. I would then pick up the iPad my brother had bought for me. But there was no way that would happen now.
I called the one person I knew would be able to help. Eni. I told her what had happened and how she should send my package to me. After a myriad of frantic calls, running around, it was settled.
A family friend was leaving school tomorrow and she would send my device before with the driver and I would send my laptop with my family friend. TTG started accordingly, I didn’t go early because I didn’t want anything to scatter the newly setup plan. I did go after a while, signed attendance and waited for a while before I decided I would leave. As I was about to leave the coordinator came in and announced that the bishop was coming.
The plans had been scattered again. My family friend had a sister in my course and they were going to wait to drop some things for her so I thought that all wasn’t lost. I could still rush out as soon as they were done, grab the device, sync my apps from my laptop and still give it to them to send home.
I did rush out as soon as they were gone, I did grab my device but it hadn’t been setup and it required an Internet connection to setup. There was none nearby and after trying every thing I could while waiting for my family friend to show up I still wasn’t ready. She was soon at the car and she didn’t even stay for long.

The driver had this cranky look in his eye after waiting for so long so I just thought “WTH!” And pulled my laptop down from the car with my iPad.
I set it up in the hall, and soon I was jolly holding my new iPad. My laptop was abandoned. Soon it was time for the evening session and I went with “le bestie”. Eventually the programme was over and we returned back to the hall and got noreos and a drink (living on noreos and a prayer)
Someone was shouting my name with desperation, “le bestie” and I came out and people were shouting “where is your laptop?”. Bobo was confused. I went up the stairs to my room. (Le bestie is on 200 and I’m on 400). Bestie followed soon after.
My wardrobe had been jacked, my iPad packaging was still there and so was every other thing except my laptop.
You know that look you give ur friend when the both of you know something other people don’t know. Well, that was the look I gave him, because my laptop wasn’t with me but with le bestie.
Apparently someone had heard the news and had decided to get lucky while we were away for TTG. I was blessed because I’d had a foreboding feeling about initially leaving my laptop in school and 400 floor was the most dangerous place because of the ceilings. The bandits had destroyed two of the toilets in their attempt and they had gotten away with stealing another laptop on the floor below.
Bestie and I were suprisingly cool about it. Some other people were taking panadol for a headache I didn’t even have.
But I wonder what would have happened if my laptop or iPad had been stolen?

To My Mom

To My Mother,

Mama mi, Iya mi, mami, mother, partner-in-crime, the most important woman in the world to me. You are my everything and more.

You who picked me up when I was at my lowest, dusting me, cleaning me and pulling me through my darkest moments. You who was there when no one was.

My confidante, my advisor, my no. 1 best friend. No one can take your place in my life.

You always know what to say when it is needed. You always listen, no matter what I want to say, no matter how small. You put us first, even above yourself, everything you’ve done you did for us, even sacrificing your happiness for us.

You are the strongest person I know, you are our rock and we would fall without you. You held us up even while you were sinking. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.

Oh you pretty woman! You deserve every happiness there is. Some people look from the outside, through their viewing glass and judge and make comments, but we who are on the other side of the glass know the truth. Take your peace, you deserve it.

From all of us to you, We wish you a happy birthday. With all the joys today brings and much more. I wish upon you all the blessings of The Lord and I wish I was there with you to celebrate.
We love you. 😍

Happy birthday mum.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

This movie! An absolute best! It was a Saturday night and me, (being me) was bored out of my wits. The internet wasn’t working so twitter was out of the options.  I went out and grabbed a pack of pepper rice and a carton of iced tea and settled back into my room. My roommate was not in the room (those are one of the best times) and the weather was cold. (Weather for two!!) I grabbed my blanket and switched on my laptop looking for a movie to watch. I settled on the perks of being a wallflower seeing as I had collected it for a while now and hadn’t watched it and I dug into my food.

And well, I loved watching the movie. It’s about a guy named Charlie (Logan Lerman) who had a bit of a mental breakdown after his best friend kills himself, and has to start his freshmen year at high school. He’s a bit of a loner and quite shy too so he doesn’t have any friend at school, his sister, Candace (Nina Dobrev) is a senior and she’s always with her boyfriend and well his old friends don’t want to be seen with him.

He gets picked on and teased. (High school children are the meanest btw) but he does absolutely well in his English class (the only class they show him in) and this makes sense because he’s an aspiring writer. His English teacher notices his talent and they become some sort of friends (as friendly as you can be with your teacher).

He however still has no friends in school, till he takes a seat with Patrick (who is in his freshmen tools class) at a football game and then becomes friends with Patrick, his step-sister, Sam (Emma Watson) and the other members of the crew.

He later develops feelings for Sam but she has a boyfriend. On Christmas after a party with the crew in which Charlie shows them how well he knows them by picking the right gifts for all of them, Sam invites him into her room, gets him a classic typewriter as a gift, reveals a lot more about her past, tells him she loves him and gives him his first kiss, even though she’s still with her boyfriend.

Sam’s friend, Mary Elizabeth likes him and asks him out to a dance and they make out after the dance and Mary Elizabeth calls him her boyfriend. (After just making out? White people are cray.) The best part is that she’s basically a psycho girlfriend, holding hands everywhere, calling every minute, and those other entire things psycho girlfriends do and Charlie still has feelings for Sam.

During a game of truth or dare with the gang, Patrick dares Charlie to kiss the prettiest girl in the room and Charlie (brianiac!) kisses Sam, right in front of everyone. Charlie and Mary Elizabeth break up and the entire gang stops talking to him. Charlie starts to relapse again.

Patrick gets into a fight with a couple of his boyfriend’s (Brad) friends (he’s gay but he’s boyfriend isn’t openly gay, so they have no idea and he can’t stop them without it seeming suspicious. Much ado about nothing) Charlie comes to his aid and knocks two of the guys (the guy dey punch!) and blacks out.

The group accepts him back and Mary Elizabeth has a new boyfriend, while Sam’s boyfriend has been cheating on her the whole time. Patrick and the gang are graduating (they are all seniors) and each of them going away to college.

On the night before Sam goes off to college, she tells Charlie that she feels empty after she broke up with Greg (her boyfriend) and asks why all her friends ended up dating people who treated them badly, and he replies saying that “we accept the love we think we deserve” (I love that quote, btw Charlie got that from his English teacher when he asks him the same question). She tells him she wants someone that loves her for her and not just a crush and he tells her he knows who she is and kisses her. They make out (and? I can’t say the screen faded out. Use your imagination)

Patrick and Sam leave the next day and Charlie has a breakdown and blacks out. Apparently he has a series of flashbacks showing his deceased aunt molested him. He gets better after a few months and Patrick and Sam come to visit.

It ends with a kiss from Sam and Charlie doing the titanic move (the one where the Rose spread out her arms like she was flying) with Patrick driving through the tunnel.

I love this movie (have I said that before? And not because I can relate to the whole sad, lonely writer thingy the guy has got going on, or the whole listening to sad, music which nobody else listens to groove that Sam and Charlie have going on, but the concept of the movie as a whole and the fact that he got the girl. Emma Watson is a total babe!) I love this movie (It even made some unknown liquid escape from my eye) and it as a whole was a wonderful production, as well as silver linings playbook. (Do I sense a pattern here?)

Wonderful wonderful movie. (I’m sure you get the point.)

The Travails Of A Young Christian

I woke up with a start, the light from the room blinding. I looked around and saw a couple of boys in my room all talking. I guess that was what woke me up.  Normally I’d do my personal devotion but there were too many people in the room and I prefer to do it with some peace and quiet. I turned on my laptop to check the time. It was some minutes after eleven and I had finished exams two days before. I was thankful to be done and relieved all at the same time.

I said a silent prayer to God for thanks because well, my God is able. I went down two flights of stairs to the buttery and well, there was a bit of a crowd. And right in front of me was a course mate of mine and I asked him to help me buy two loaves of Chelsea bread and a bottle of lacasera. He helped me of course. The relief in my mind that I didn’t have to struggle with all the other boys, I wasn’t in that state of mind.

And then my friend asked me for some of my Chelsea and I stretched it towards him and he cut half of the loaf for himself. Normally in situations like this I’d instantly get angry, after all he came to the buttery to get snacks himself, so why get so comfortable with mine? A small voice at the back of my mind whispered to me to be calm. And calm I was. I found my way back to my room and right outside the door to my room, another course mate of mine met me and asked me for some of my Chelsea. If you do the math I only have a loaf and a half of some sweet buttery Chelsea.

I stretch out the half loaf that is left to him and he cuts it into half. Leaving me with a loaf and a quarter and of course, my lacasera. In a little corner of my mine I think o well I can still live with that. And with that I enter my room to face the boys that are still there and well, the rest is history. I only remember taking a few bites of the Chelsea and I was left with some of my drink. I still had some of my bread and my lacasera and suddenly I didn’t feel too eager to eat again. Someone came into my room and asked for it and I gave it away.

It wasn’t till the departure service that night that I remembered that I had gone through the day with barely a few bites of Chelsea and some lacasera and I felt hungry. But it was the last night in school before the semester ended and there was never food unless you had gotten it earlier. I was totally prepared to sleep early after all. I was going to be home in the morning so what was a night without eating to me, but then I found (more like, remembered) a can of baked beans in my bag and so I borrowed a kettle from someone downstairs and heated it up.

A friend asks me what I’m eating for the night. They are all eating indomie. And I don’t eat indomie. L . I mention to him that I had found a can of baked beans in my bag and it was being heated up and he asks for a little bit of it to spice his indomie up. The indomie had been previously spiced with tuna fish and whatever. I guess the spicing wasn’t enough. -_-. I actually tell him no, and he gets angry and calls me selfish. My mind goes back to the event of the day and the Chelsea and I point out to him that he ate out of my Chelsea and I didn’t even eat much of it. He refuses to little to whatever I had to say and I shrug it off. I head to my room and my baked beans and I eat it and drink water.

I head downstairs to talk to a friend and as we talk I realized something. Being a Christian (I’m talking a true born again Christian) is one of the hardest things in the world; some people have described it as being impossible. You have to consider people other than yourself, giving is a kingdom rule because Christ made the ultimate sacrifice on the cross by giving his life for us on the cross to redeem us from the sting of the law and death. So who am I to withhold a few worldly possessions that eventually fade away? And there are so many other things in the picture, there are constant temptations and distractions. Nothing beats the feeling that comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit but it requires efforts on our part.

I don’t regret making the choice to follow the Lord. I love him and he loves me and we have a personal relationship but I’m still considered new and well God is still pruning me…. it hurts sooo much, but I know I’ll come out beautiful.