Guest Post: Musings

(This is our first post from a guest author who wishes to be identified as A. Do enjoy, your feed-backs would be greatly appreciated)

Battling a battle alone isn’t the easiest thing there is to do. Trying your possible best to let no one know about it so that nobody has to worry — especially with our recent loss. But sometimes we need to just talk I guess; it doesn’t solve anything but it provides some kind of comfort, a sense of relief.
In addition, always thinking of tomorrow and never living in today has been an issue. Trying to impress the world but not looking for self-satisfaction. Really looking forward to pursuing a degree in the arts… But you know, I would be regarded as an irresponsible somebody.
And then sometimes, I think turning off my emotions is the best thing; pretending I don’t give damn about anybody; but people down that lane know its all a lie. Everybody is looking for -– attention isn’t the right word but I’d use it anyway– looking for someone to pour their hearts to.
Then you begin to bother about the fact that very little results come out from the very much effort you put into something. That hurts a lot. You feel disappointed, you know you can do much better, matter of fact you were so sure that much better would be achieved… But as fate would have it, you end up a disappointment to yourself. People try to console you by saying “it’s not that bad” but you know your standard, you know your worth. And then, you ask yourself that question that all parents ask while growing up, “but does that person have two heads?”
In your subconscious you’re comparing yourself to other people, knowing fully well that the bible refers to such people as fools. Then…. You work harder, then an obstacle comes in the way again. Ill health, the loss of a loved one, depression. But you know you’re not going to give these excuses when you’re looking for a job.
But who said you’re going to look for a job? Is it because that is what society expects? Or because you actually want to do it. And then have a masters degree in whatever. When you know that’s not what you want to do.
Matter of fact, you don’t know what you want to do. You’re confused, you’re at crossed roads. You feel you are good at something but you think that it’s not accepted. Then you see someone excelling in that thing you want to do; then you are gingered again. But just when you are about to take that bold step… You remember that it’s still not acceptable. Then you try to console yourself by making believe that the person is better than you, and even of you went into that line, you wouldn’t succeed. Who said so?
But you’re still lonely on the inside. For a moment, you try to forget about the tomorrow and live in the now. Then that fight you’ve been fighting comes up again; you are trying so hard but you are slowly losing. Then you think of that bright future…. Sometimes it cheers you up, sometimes it doesn’t.
Then you wonder why you have to go through so much. A while passes, and then you thank God because you just find out there’s someone whose life is worse than yours. Yes. That doesn’t make your life any better, but that feeling from within, that lets you know that millions are depending on you. That’s even far fetched. When you picture the smile on your momma’s face… That’s a lot.
But you still don’t know what to do though. And now, material things don’t mean a thing to you anymore. You could do without them, they don’t make you a bit happier. At this point you’re willing to trade your money for happiness. Not possible I guess. Happiness isn’t sold anywhere.
Gradually, you find yourself motivating people, helping that helpless kid who, if not for you, wouldn’t have eaten, giving tips to that cleaner, being a source of hope to your mother… Most importantly forgetting about the problems you MIGHT face tomorrow. Then there’s this warmth from within, this joy. You can’t explain it… But there’s just so much joy. And enough is never too much of it.
Then you finally realize its the little things that do count. Your helping made you realize that no matter what you MIGHT be, there’s a lot of people who depend on you. It makes you feel important. Your self worth is unimaginable. You’re finally doing you. The joy on the inside is totally unexplainable, but somehow, it’s overshadowed the pains, the darkness. It makes you want to fight. But wait….. You’re already a fighter. And you’ve won so many battles like the depression, there’s finally a smile again. Joy! That was the magic.
But life isn’t a fairy tale, no happily ever afters. That one thing you’ve been fighting and can’t tell nobody is still there. You know it isn’t a battle that joy can win – not to be pessimistic, just factual.  It’s probably just part of those things you might have to live with until it takes your life away.

Guest Posts.

So i know I’ve been AWOL (Away without official leave) and people keep asking me hows your blog and i just go “it’s fine” but it has been absent a real post for a while and i apologize. i could say its work but its really just me being lazy. So starting today I’m starting a series of guest postings, meaning that other people who have something they want to share can share it on my blog. So our very first guest post is from A. (For Anonymous, they want to keep their identity a secret). So sit back and enjoy.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

This movie! An absolute best! It was a Saturday night and me, (being me) was bored out of my wits. The internet wasn’t working so twitter was out of the options.  I went out and grabbed a pack of pepper rice and a carton of iced tea and settled back into my room. My roommate was not in the room (those are one of the best times) and the weather was cold. (Weather for two!!) I grabbed my blanket and switched on my laptop looking for a movie to watch. I settled on the perks of being a wallflower seeing as I had collected it for a while now and hadn’t watched it and I dug into my food.

And well, I loved watching the movie. It’s about a guy named Charlie (Logan Lerman) who had a bit of a mental breakdown after his best friend kills himself, and has to start his freshmen year at high school. He’s a bit of a loner and quite shy too so he doesn’t have any friend at school, his sister, Candace (Nina Dobrev) is a senior and she’s always with her boyfriend and well his old friends don’t want to be seen with him.

He gets picked on and teased. (High school children are the meanest btw) but he does absolutely well in his English class (the only class they show him in) and this makes sense because he’s an aspiring writer. His English teacher notices his talent and they become some sort of friends (as friendly as you can be with your teacher).

He however still has no friends in school, till he takes a seat with Patrick (who is in his freshmen tools class) at a football game and then becomes friends with Patrick, his step-sister, Sam (Emma Watson) and the other members of the crew.

He later develops feelings for Sam but she has a boyfriend. On Christmas after a party with the crew in which Charlie shows them how well he knows them by picking the right gifts for all of them, Sam invites him into her room, gets him a classic typewriter as a gift, reveals a lot more about her past, tells him she loves him and gives him his first kiss, even though she’s still with her boyfriend.

Sam’s friend, Mary Elizabeth likes him and asks him out to a dance and they make out after the dance and Mary Elizabeth calls him her boyfriend. (After just making out? White people are cray.) The best part is that she’s basically a psycho girlfriend, holding hands everywhere, calling every minute, and those other entire things psycho girlfriends do and Charlie still has feelings for Sam.

During a game of truth or dare with the gang, Patrick dares Charlie to kiss the prettiest girl in the room and Charlie (brianiac!) kisses Sam, right in front of everyone. Charlie and Mary Elizabeth break up and the entire gang stops talking to him. Charlie starts to relapse again.

Patrick gets into a fight with a couple of his boyfriend’s (Brad) friends (he’s gay but he’s boyfriend isn’t openly gay, so they have no idea and he can’t stop them without it seeming suspicious. Much ado about nothing) Charlie comes to his aid and knocks two of the guys (the guy dey punch!) and blacks out.

The group accepts him back and Mary Elizabeth has a new boyfriend, while Sam’s boyfriend has been cheating on her the whole time. Patrick and the gang are graduating (they are all seniors) and each of them going away to college.

On the night before Sam goes off to college, she tells Charlie that she feels empty after she broke up with Greg (her boyfriend) and asks why all her friends ended up dating people who treated them badly, and he replies saying that “we accept the love we think we deserve” (I love that quote, btw Charlie got that from his English teacher when he asks him the same question). She tells him she wants someone that loves her for her and not just a crush and he tells her he knows who she is and kisses her. They make out (and? I can’t say the screen faded out. Use your imagination)

Patrick and Sam leave the next day and Charlie has a breakdown and blacks out. Apparently he has a series of flashbacks showing his deceased aunt molested him. He gets better after a few months and Patrick and Sam come to visit.

It ends with a kiss from Sam and Charlie doing the titanic move (the one where the Rose spread out her arms like she was flying) with Patrick driving through the tunnel.

I love this movie (have I said that before? And not because I can relate to the whole sad, lonely writer thingy the guy has got going on, or the whole listening to sad, music which nobody else listens to groove that Sam and Charlie have going on, but the concept of the movie as a whole and the fact that he got the girl. Emma Watson is a total babe!) I love this movie (It even made some unknown liquid escape from my eye) and it as a whole was a wonderful production, as well as silver linings playbook. (Do I sense a pattern here?)

Wonderful wonderful movie. (I’m sure you get the point.)

The Travails Of A Young Christian

I woke up with a start, the light from the room blinding. I looked around and saw a couple of boys in my room all talking. I guess that was what woke me up.  Normally I’d do my personal devotion but there were too many people in the room and I prefer to do it with some peace and quiet. I turned on my laptop to check the time. It was some minutes after eleven and I had finished exams two days before. I was thankful to be done and relieved all at the same time.

I said a silent prayer to God for thanks because well, my God is able. I went down two flights of stairs to the buttery and well, there was a bit of a crowd. And right in front of me was a course mate of mine and I asked him to help me buy two loaves of Chelsea bread and a bottle of lacasera. He helped me of course. The relief in my mind that I didn’t have to struggle with all the other boys, I wasn’t in that state of mind.

And then my friend asked me for some of my Chelsea and I stretched it towards him and he cut half of the loaf for himself. Normally in situations like this I’d instantly get angry, after all he came to the buttery to get snacks himself, so why get so comfortable with mine? A small voice at the back of my mind whispered to me to be calm. And calm I was. I found my way back to my room and right outside the door to my room, another course mate of mine met me and asked me for some of my Chelsea. If you do the math I only have a loaf and a half of some sweet buttery Chelsea.

I stretch out the half loaf that is left to him and he cuts it into half. Leaving me with a loaf and a quarter and of course, my lacasera. In a little corner of my mine I think o well I can still live with that. And with that I enter my room to face the boys that are still there and well, the rest is history. I only remember taking a few bites of the Chelsea and I was left with some of my drink. I still had some of my bread and my lacasera and suddenly I didn’t feel too eager to eat again. Someone came into my room and asked for it and I gave it away.

It wasn’t till the departure service that night that I remembered that I had gone through the day with barely a few bites of Chelsea and some lacasera and I felt hungry. But it was the last night in school before the semester ended and there was never food unless you had gotten it earlier. I was totally prepared to sleep early after all. I was going to be home in the morning so what was a night without eating to me, but then I found (more like, remembered) a can of baked beans in my bag and so I borrowed a kettle from someone downstairs and heated it up.

A friend asks me what I’m eating for the night. They are all eating indomie. And I don’t eat indomie. L . I mention to him that I had found a can of baked beans in my bag and it was being heated up and he asks for a little bit of it to spice his indomie up. The indomie had been previously spiced with tuna fish and whatever. I guess the spicing wasn’t enough. -_-. I actually tell him no, and he gets angry and calls me selfish. My mind goes back to the event of the day and the Chelsea and I point out to him that he ate out of my Chelsea and I didn’t even eat much of it. He refuses to little to whatever I had to say and I shrug it off. I head to my room and my baked beans and I eat it and drink water.

I head downstairs to talk to a friend and as we talk I realized something. Being a Christian (I’m talking a true born again Christian) is one of the hardest things in the world; some people have described it as being impossible. You have to consider people other than yourself, giving is a kingdom rule because Christ made the ultimate sacrifice on the cross by giving his life for us on the cross to redeem us from the sting of the law and death. So who am I to withhold a few worldly possessions that eventually fade away? And there are so many other things in the picture, there are constant temptations and distractions. Nothing beats the feeling that comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit but it requires efforts on our part.

I don’t regret making the choice to follow the Lord. I love him and he loves me and we have a personal relationship but I’m still considered new and well God is still pruning me…. it hurts sooo much, but I know I’ll come out beautiful.

Judith

Yes that is the name of my post. And it is also coincidentally (yes?) the name of one yellow girl in my course. Her name is Judith Bawa. And well I’m writing about her today. It was kind of a dare from Ayomide. So here I am, posting about Judith like I was dared to. (X_X)

Back when, before I became friends with Judith I used to think that she was this scandalous girl. She was everywhere. Most of the guys I knew had something to say about Judith. And well seeing as I didn’t know Judith well, I took their words and opinions at face value. (What else is a nigga supposed to do?)

Well things changed this final year alpha semester. One day, right before our ECO 419 class (Monetary economics, asin 419 you get the drift.) our lecturer was late and well Judith and I just started talking and well I realized that we had similar interests, (she has a crush on my crush. If you didn’t know that Rihanna was going to leave Chris Brown for me then you don’t know me. -_- )  And she wasn’t as bad as everyone made her out to seem. We skipped class and spoke for a couple of hours and well Judith is a fun person to hang out with.

She has even taken up on answering to “my crush” ( 🙂 ). All in all, I can say Judith is one of the nicest people I know, she is a fun person to hang with, there is never a dull moment with Judith, she is down to earth and real and she is a real yellow pawpaw. She is also a good friend.

I’m sure some people are wondering where I’m going with all this “talks” about Judith. Well I’m getting there. Up until I actually spoke with Judith I’ve had a low opinion about her, impressed on me by what I’ve heard about her but after we started speaking I realized two things: I actually like her (NOT like like, get your minds out of the gutters people, normal friendly like) and that you can’t judge someone based on what you’ve heard about them, (You shouldn’t even judge people. #ChristianFact.) Your relationships with people should be based on how YOU perceive and interact with them. Don’t let someone’s opinion about other people ruin what could have been a good friendship or relationship with someone. Decide for yourself how your relationships should be like.

I’m glad that well Judith and I became friend and she is someone I’ll love to have as my friend for years to come.

A Letter To My Lover

You were my first love. But I rejected your love to satisfy my own self desires and pleasures. I watched your heart break every time but I didn’t care, I was having fun. I watched your tears fall but I didn’t care about your pain only my pleasures. It got old, I wanted you back but I couldn’t find my way. Till I heard the soft whispers of your words and your gentle touch on my heart on the 5th of February 2013.

I found my way back to you and gave you my heart. This time I was serious. Your love overwhelmed me, changed me, now all I think about is you. A week spent loving you felt like a month and I was happy. Coming to seek your face is a pleasure. I would raise my voice higher to make sure you heard every word I said, I would sing to you with all my heart just to show you how much your love had touched me. Every step I took was aimed at pleasing you. You meant that much to me.

I only had to ask and you gave me without holding back, even when I had nothing but my heart to give back. On Valentine’s Day I took your love for granted, automatically assuming that you would be my Val, and not knowing that others wanted your hand. I was in the shower when I realized my mistake and I ran to write you a valentine poem and ask you to my Val. It was late but you accepted my proposal turning others away.  You even sent me cake when I had no gift for you. That was the extent of your love.

We recently celebrated our two week’s anniversary. I decided to fast knowing the feast you had for me afterwards would be great. And you showed yourself strong. I thought I had felt the extent of your love but you showed me more love than was humanly possible and I bowed under the weight of your love.

And here I am writing this letter just to say I love you and thank you for loving me even when it seemed like a hopeless journey.

To Jesus, my first love,

Ola.

2013

2013

I just finished watching another season of Charmed. It’s something I used to watch when I was younger. (I’m Sorta reliving my childhood, don’t ask me why) and well I stared at the screen and thought about what to post on my blog. (I couldn’t post what I wanted because they said it would hurt people. What does that even mean?) And so I thought…..

Yay! It’s a new year! I made it to 2013. (And so did you if you are reading this.) I’m sure the next thing you are going to ask is if I have New Year resolutions. (Doesn’t everybody?) Well, the truth is I have none. Yes I don’t have any resolutions. I have officially given up on that institution.

I mean it’s almost like a cliché, sending New Year messages to everyone, writing New Year resolutions. Some people even go as far as acting like a new year means everything has changed. Like everything in the past year doesn’t matter anymore. Like entering the New Year means you’ve been given a clean slate.

I’m not trying to sound like I’m ungrateful or I’m not thankful to God for seeing the new year, I honestly am, but then I feel like the only thing that has changed is that we’re looking at new calendar year and not some time portal or clean slate that automatically erases everything. Bitches People be like don’t carry that attitude into the New Year or it’s a new year so don’t do this or that.

I have on my part completely given up on New Year resolutions. It has always been a tradition with me for as long as I remember that I make New Year resolutions and write them down in my journal. (Yes, I have a journal. Bite me!) but then last year I didn’t accomplish almost anything I set down on my list that I would change about myself but then I didn’t need to.

2012 was for me my most trying year. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. I faced so many things I never thought I would be able to face.  I cried, laughed, lost, lost even more, made new friends, lost some old ones. They say “what doesn’t kill you would only make you stronger.” I finally agreed with that statement.

Last year was a year anniversary since we moved for reasons I can’t say (if I told you, I would have to kill you). It was the year I first (according to my knowledge) fell in love like. And it was the year I felt my first heartbreak (and I’m in no hurry to relive it, thank you very much). It was the year I felt most betrayed. It was the year I knew the people that stood for me and to them I am grateful, they believed in me even when I doubted myself. It was the year I made new friends. I also made new enemies. It was the year I appreciated my family the most because they were always there for me no matter what the situation called. (I LOVE YOU MUM!) I was the year I made the most sacrifices and so many were made for me. (B!) I was the year the found brothers I never knew were missing. It was the year I competed for NESA public office (and I lost :() it was the year that Dele and Deke got married. And it was my year of personal discovery and acceptance.

In my mind’s eye I was always too skinny, too short, too dark, there was always something wrong with me. It didn’t help that I was always criticized for things I did. But last year I finally learnt to love myself for who I was. If I didn’t love myself then how did I expect someone else to love me?

So I donned on my ‘I don’t give a f**k’ t-shirt with my ‘I couldn’t care less what you thought about me’ trousers and I walked through life like I was someone I was proud of. I made up my mind that I wouldn’t take bull crap from anyone and that well I couldn’t be friends with everyone. And I certainly wouldn’t try to. I gave myself simple rules to live by (I call it MY MOTTO) and I acted on them. I can’t say 2012 was my best year but I have learnt from it and grown.

And so I say to 2013, I may not be ready for whatever you have to throw at me, I may be surprised at what you throw at me, but if I survived 2012 then by God’s grace I would most definitely survive you.

Happy New Year!!!