Complete

I used to think I needed someone to complete me, so I went everywhere looking for the one to complete me.
I used to think I was broken, so I carried all the broken pieces looking for someone to put them back together.
I used to think I was lost, so I searched for someone to find me.
I used to think that I was unattractive and that’s why no one wanted me. That maybe if I had abs and a banging body then people would break down my doors to be with me. (I still want the abs tho)
I used to think that if someone left me then it was because there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
I used to think that if I was to be happy then it was because other people saw how good, how kind, how loving a person I was.
I carried all these things around, setting the weight and responsibility for my happiness on other people. People who never came.
Till I understood that if I waited on people to be happy then I’d live a life of unhappiness.
I no longer saw myself as incomplete. I was a whole complete being all by myself.
I understood that if something was broken then it was my responsibility to pick the pieces and fight to put me back together.
If I was lost then I had to find myself and that everything I needed was within me.
I look in the mirror and see an attractive man not because anyone has said so, but because I’ve looked at myself and I see love and light.
I understood that if someone ever leaves me it isn’t always about me. Most times it’s about them. And if they ever leave I say “thank u” and continue on my journey.
That if I was to be happy then I had to work hard and do everything in my power to achieve my own happiness. And that my happiness was the responsibility of no one but myself.

25

Flash back to November 2017. It was my birthday and everything that I thought could go wrong did; everyone forgot. I placed so much value on how important other people saw my birthday so imagine how shitty I felt when people forgot – even the ones that I thought won’t – and then my family members decided that the dinner I planned was too extravagant (Dinner wey no too expensive that like) and they pushed me to cancel.
I sulked throughout the day and I remember Ibukun calling me to try and schedule plans to mark the day. I didn’t think that she’d go out of her way to make sure I was happy – even though we’ve been friends for years.
The universe had other plans tho. Traffic from VI to Gbagada was hell and then traffic in Gbagada was on another level so we had to postpone and I turned to my next option.
I bought myself a bottle of “cheap brandy” like Oluso calls it (think it was Bardinet or so) and proceeded to down it and wallow till Oluso called me and gave me a talk about how I had to be the source of my own happiness and that no one else could help me if I decided I didn’t want to be helped. I stopped crying and drinking and allowed Ibukun to take me out. Lol, we had fun. Plus my sisters finally agreed to dinner. It was a start.
Fast forward to November 2018. I’d made plans already, invited people out and planned my day – After all, its not everyday you turn 25. The Universe came for me and it was blood and tears but me self get agídí.
Day went okay but I was low-key aware that something was wrong. It became even more pronounced when I came across an article detailing symptoms of mental illness and being a compulsive obsessive person I started ticking all the boxes. Reached out to a friend but didn’t get a response so naturally I started spiraling.
I called a doctor friend of mine and he begged me to not do anything till I spoke to a psychologist and he linked me up. Day of first appointment, I panicked and thought “what would people think?”. Almost turned and went home but I summoned courage and went in, and as it turns out I was clinically depressed (much better diagnosis than what I actually thought was wrong, trust me). My doctor was surprised I was still functional and he scheduled psychotherapy sessions and put me on anti-depressants.
For the first time in the longest, my mind was clear. But I decided I didn’t want to be tied to drugs for the rest of my life and so I identified my triggers – the need to be wanted, accepted, needed, validated, the feeling of helplessness and drowning in the sea of my thoughts. I picked up my notebook and I wrote steps on how best to fix me and they became my plans for the new year and I pushed towards them.
After a couple of months I was off my medication and I was showing significant improvements. My relationship with my boss that had been strained for months prior was suddenly moving like a well oiled rig, and things started improving. A job that was seemingly thankless and tedious became one that I excelled at.
I made positive steps for the first time in years and I liked the person I saw in the mirror. One that celebrated “little wins”, who valued and loved himself and that’s the most important thing for me.
Until you want to be saved you can never really be saved, until you stretch out your arms salvation never really comes. You have to want it.
You can only be saved if you try to save yourself, so save yourself or remain unsaved.

Pride

That was the deadly sin my friend was accusing me of committing, because I said “no, thank you” to an invite to a celebratory lunch.
The lunch was to celebrate the recent completion of our audit and approval of our financial statements by our company’s regulators.
The invitees were the individuals that had been “essential” to the audit, email invites had been sent but my name wasn’t on the list (only even heard about it because it kept coming up in discussions around the office) , it felt strange to me because I had given up my vacation days last year, been at work for almost a year straight, worked through Christmas and the new year just so everything was ready, and sat with auditors providing information at request without hesitation.
My boss was invited and I felt slighted but it didn’t feel like a big deal, so when I was leaving the office on Friday and one of the members of the organising team approached me and greeted me, I was quick to tell him how I felt.
He then asked me to accompany him and I said “no, thank you”. If I wasn’t a choice when you drew up and approved the list why should I be an option now when the lunch is already underway.
I’d show up randomly like something a cat dragged in to join people who already knew that they were part of something. Nah. Thank u, next.
I’m no one’s second choice and I’m more than just an option.

Today I Tidied my Room

No, I’m not a slob. I’m usually a very arranged person “for a guy” – forgive the cliche, it was necessary. My wardrobe is usually color coded – which isn’t hard since most things in my wardrobe are a shade of blue. Shirts go in one place, shorts, natives, underwears and t-shirts all have their reserved spots in my closet. But then these things require some level of mental alertness. But today was different.

It’s a Friday evening and usually I have either some “Netflix and chill” – without any chill – or something else planned. But I’ve been on leave for a while now and I didn’t feel like stepping outside my castle.

Tidying my room has been on my to-do list – along with tidying up my finances – but the part of my genes that loves to procrastinate has been winning lately so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Not like I have work in the morning.

But today was different.

I was low-key pissed at my sisters because I felt like I was being taken advantage of. My budget was a mess and I was bored out of my freaking mind.

I was spiraling. I had no one to talk to, no one to make plans with. I thought I’d be on a beach by now but things haven’t been going according to plan. So I had all these days with nothing to fill it up with but Netflix and games and nothingness. Blame it on poor planning.

I spoke to my boss early on and asked if I could come back to the office a week early. He asked me why but I didn’t expect him to disagree. He was drowning in emails – I peeked.

So I’m in my room and it hits me again. All I truly need is myself. The only reason any of this internal turmoil is going on is because I think the people in my life are moving on and up without me and that they’d leave me – story for another day.

So I picked up my goals for the year – halfway through that shit and it’s not even remotely easy. The rest of the year is about to a be painful one. It reminded me that I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. That I had to get busy. ASAP.

And that’s not an easy thing for a procrastinator like me – for one thing I realized I have a fear of starting. Sounds like a joke but if it looks new, difficult or somewhat challenging I choke on the inside and give myself reasons to back out. And do I back out? Hard and fast – still trying to work on this.

But then I looked at my room and it was a mess. I could only sleep on half my mattress because the other half was occupied by stuff. I couldn’t separate between clean and dirty clothes and I was to resume work the upper week. Exam materials from exams done and dusted still laid around even though I was done with them.

A. Mess.

So I slowly began to sort out stuff. While I did, things I needed to sort in real life popped in and I made a to-do list – haven’t done that in a while.

So my room is sorted and a list is made, and my mind is clear.

So maybe this break wasn’t exactly wasted and I’m preparing myself for the journey ahead – because this man is going to need every bit of strength to scale through and up.