A Letter To My Lover

You were my first love. But I rejected your love to satisfy my own self desires and pleasures. I watched your heart break every time but I didn’t care, I was having fun. I watched your tears fall but I didn’t care about your pain only my pleasures. It got old, I wanted you back but I couldn’t find my way. Till I heard the soft whispers of your words and your gentle touch on my heart on the 5^th of February 2013.

I found my way back to you and gave you my heart. This time I was serious. Your love overwhelmed me, changed me, now all I think about is you. A week spent loving you felt like a month and I was happy. Coming to seek your face is a pleasure. I would raise my voice higher to make sure you heard every word I said, I would sing to you with all my heart just to show you how much your love had touched me. Every step I took was aimed at pleasing you. You meant that much to me.

I only had to ask and you gave me without holding back, even when I had nothing but my heart to give back. On Valentine’s Day I took your love for granted, automatically assuming that you would be my Val, and not knowing that others wanted your hand. I was in the shower when I realized my mistake and I ran to write you a valentine poem and ask you to my Val. It was late but you accepted my proposal turning others away.  You even sent me cake when I had no gift for you. That was the extent of your love.

We recently celebrated our two week’s anniversary. I decided to fast knowing the feast you had for me afterwards would be great. And you showed yourself strong. I thought I had felt the extent of your love but you showed me more love than was humanly possible and I bowed under the weight of your love.

And here I am writing this letter just to say I love you and thank you for loving me even when it seemed like a hopeless journey.

To Jesus, my first love,

Ola.

2013

I just finished watching another season of Charmed. It’s something I used to watch when I was younger. (I’m Sorta reliving my childhood, don’t ask me why) and well I stared at the screen and thought about what to post on my blog. (I couldn’t post what I wanted because they said it would hurt people. What does that even mean?) And so I thought…..

Yay! It’s a new year! I made it to 2013. (And so did you if you are reading this.) I’m sure the next thing you are going to ask is if I have New Year resolutions. (Doesn’t everybody?) Well, the truth is I have none. Yes I don’t have any resolutions. I have officially given up on that institution.

I mean it’s almost like a cliché, sending New Year messages to everyone, writing New Year resolutions. Some people even go as far as acting like a new year means everything has changed. Like everything in the past year doesn’t matter anymore. Like entering the New Year means you’ve been given a clean slate.

I’m not trying to sound like I’m ungrateful or I’m not thankful to God for seeing the new year, I honestly am, but then I feel like the only thing that has changed is that we’re looking at new calendar year and not some time portal or clean slate that automatically erases everything. Bitches People be like don’t carry that attitude into the New Year or it’s a new year so don’t do this or that.

I have on my part completely given up on New Year resolutions. It has always been a tradition with me for as long as I remember that I make New Year resolutions and write them down in my journal. (Yes, I have a journal. Bite me!) but then last year I didn’t accomplish almost anything I set down on my list that I would change about myself but then I didn’t need to.

2012 was for me my most trying year. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. I faced so many things I never thought I would be able to face.  I cried, laughed, lost, lost even more, made new friends, lost some old ones. They say “what doesn’t kill you would only make you stronger.” I finally agreed with that statement.

Last year was a year anniversary since we moved for reasons I can’t say (if I told you, I would have to kill you). It was the year I first (according to my knowledge) fell in love like. And it was the year I felt my first heartbreak (and I’m in no hurry to relive it, thank you very much). It was the year I felt most betrayed. It was the year I knew the people that stood for me and to them I am grateful, they believed in me even when I doubted myself. It was the year I made new friends. I also made new enemies. It was the year I appreciated my family the most because they were always there for me no matter what the situation called. (I LOVE YOU MUM!) I was the year I made the most sacrifices and so many were made for me. (B!) I was the year the found brothers I never knew were missing. It was the year I competed for NESA public office (and I lost :() it was the year that Dele and Deke got married. And it was my year of personal discovery and acceptance.

In my mind’s eye I was always too skinny, too short, too dark, there was always something wrong with me. It didn’t help that I was always criticized for things I did. But last year I finally learnt to love myself for who I was. If I didn’t love myself then how did I expect someone else to love me?

So I donned on my ‘I don’t give a f**k’ t-shirt with my ‘I couldn’t care less what you thought about me’ trousers and I walked through life like I was someone I was proud of. I made up my mind that I wouldn’t take bull crap from anyone and that well I couldn’t be friends with everyone. And I certainly wouldn’t try to. I gave myself simple rules to live by (I call it MY MOTTO) and I acted on them. I can’t say 2012 was my best year but I have learnt from it and grown.

And so I say to 2013, I may not be ready for whatever you have to throw at me, I may be surprised at what you throw at me, but if I survived 2012 then by God’s grace I would most definitely survive you.

Happy New Year!!!