No, I’m not a slob. I’m usually a very arranged person “for a guy” – forgive the cliche, it was necessary. My wardrobe is usually color coded – which isn’t hard since most things in my wardrobe are a shade of blue. Shirts go in one place, shorts, natives, underwears and t-shirts all have their reserved spots in my closet. But then these things require some level of mental alertness. But today was different.
It’s a Friday evening and usually I have either some “Netflix and chill” – without any chill – or something else planned. But I’ve been on leave for a while now and I didn’t feel like stepping outside my castle.
Tidying my room has been on my to-do list – along with tidying up my finances – but the part of my genes that loves to procrastinate has been winning lately so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Not like I have work in the morning.
But today was different.
I was low-key pissed at my sisters because I felt like I was being taken advantage of. My budget was a mess and I was bored out of my freaking mind.
I was spiraling. I had no one to talk to, no one to make plans with. I thought I’d be on a beach by now but things haven’t been going according to plan. So I had all these days with nothing to fill it up with but Netflix and games and nothingness. Blame it on poor planning.
I spoke to my boss early on and asked if I could come back to the office a week early. He asked me why but I didn’t expect him to disagree. He was drowning in emails – I peeked.
So I’m in my room and it hits me again. All I truly need is myself. The only reason any of this internal turmoil is going on is because I think the people in my life are moving on and up without me and that they’d leave me – story for another day.
So I picked up my goals for the year – halfway through that shit and it’s not even remotely easy. The rest of the year is about to a be painful one. It reminded me that I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. That I had to get busy. ASAP.
And that’s not an easy thing for a procrastinator like me – for one thing I realized I have a fear of starting. Sounds like a joke but if it looks new, difficult or somewhat challenging I choke on the inside and give myself reasons to back out. And do I back out? Hard and fast – still trying to work on this.
But then I looked at my room and it was a mess. I could only sleep on half my mattress because the other half was occupied by stuff. I couldn’t separate between clean and dirty clothes and I was to resume work the upper week. Exam materials from exams done and dusted still laid around even though I was done with them.
A. Mess.
So I slowly began to sort out stuff. While I did, things I needed to sort in real life popped in and I made a to-do list – haven’t done that in a while.
So my room is sorted and a list is made, and my mind is clear.
So maybe this break wasn’t exactly wasted and I’m preparing myself for the journey ahead – because this man is going to need every bit of strength to scale through and up.
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